It was a shock when the 2 lines appeared confirming what I suspected. It shouldn’t have been a shock of course, not given that this will be my forth baby and I’m well aware of the birds and the bees at this stage. But it was. It was a shock because hubby and I hadn’t discussed it. We had discussed how content we were with our two sons and our daughter and how our family was now complete. It took me three days to tell him. I was never worried about his reaction but I did know that as soon as I told him that would make it real. More real. Although that familiar feeling of nausea and the frequent trips to the toilet were already making it very real!
I was annoyed with myself firstly. Annoyed that I had allowed this to happen. But then I started to feel very sorry for myself that I was going to have to go through pregnancy again. Here is why I didn’t want to be pregnant again (how selfish am I?):
I had just got my body back to something that I didn’t hate. My breasts that hadn’t my own for the 6 months that I breastfed for the third time had just returned to something resembling ‘normal’ (albeit that they will never be the pert, firm pair that I had pre-children). I was p*ssed off that I’d have to give them over to a new baby for another 6 months. And I was doubly p*ssed off that I would be subjected to shapeless nursing bras once again – who can feel good wearing those horrible things?
I had started running as well. Proud that I completed the couch to 5k challenge. Although running had never previously been something I enjoyed, it became a bit of a therapeutic thing, MY time, time to get away from three children fighting, demanding and just being kids. I would have to knock that on the head for the next year or more.
I could fit into all my pre-pregnancy clothes again (yay) and I loved it! Now, it would be back to the horror of maternity wear, bump bands and the aforementioned nursing bras.
We had just returned from our first holiday as a family of 5 and we’d had a ball. We stayed in a mobile home on the Adriatic coast, Italy and it was 10 days of heaven. God knows when we’ll be able to travel again with 4 children under the age of 6!
And I had such plans for next year to celebrate turning 40. Nights out with friends, bottles of Champagne, maybe a romantic weekend away with hubby… now, dream on!
Speaking of hubby, he has been my absolute rock throughout the last few months. His responses to my moaning have been along the lines of “We’ll be fine. We’ll cope. Look how lucky we are. It’s better than the alternative.” And, although it has taken me from May until now to realise it, he is right (oh how he will love to read this).
“We’ll be fine.”
We will be fine. We have a strong marriage, we’re not stuck financially (even though I’m still a completely useless money manager, but that’s a whole other blog!), we have a house to fit 4 children and we have great family support around us.
We will cope. We coped when No.2 came along only 15 months after No. 1. And I don’t actually look back on any of that time and feel it was difficult. The really great thing is that the two boys are best friends now (aside from the daily fights). Even my worries about having No.3 when No.2 was only 2 1/2 were unfounded as she turned out to be a very content baby and the boys were besotted with their little sister. Getting out of the house with a newborn, a toddler and a pre-schooler wasn’t the nightmare I spent months worrying about. It was actually easier some days to pack them all up and get out of the house for a few hours.
“Look how lucky we are.”
We are lucky. We have 3 beautiful, happy, healthy children. They were all pretty content from day one and none of them gave us endless sleepless nights. Don’t get me wrong there have been bouts of sickness or teething, of course, but I always know that they will pass. No, what I mean is that we never had a baby with colic or reflux or that we had to pace the floors with night after night. For that alone I feel blessed. We are blessed.
“It’s better that the alternative.”
It is so much better than the alternative. I have family members, friends and colleagues who are experiencing the alternative and my heart breaks for them. I can’t imagine having to accept that disappointment that you may not/will not experience the joy of carrying a baby, caring for a newborn and watching a little human developing a personality in front of you.
No, I am very grateful for all that I have and I am very excited about the future.
So, I’m a little (alright, a lot) ashamed of all the thoughts that I had at the beginning of this pregnancy. And I am ashamed that I have taken so long to accept this pregnancy, to become excited about this pregnancy. I am now 25 weeks, I can feel my little No. 4 wriggling around every day and it makes me so delighted to know that I’m growing a brand new little human inside me. I’m excited about seeing his/her older siblings reactions to the new baby and about what the future holds for our growing, happy family.
We’ll be just fine!